♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Blanche, I'm trying to decide what to get Dorothy for her birthday.
What do you think about this?
"Good looking single white male seeks fun times on a regular basis."
Well, it's something she doesn't have.
Hi.
Dorothy, you're home from school.
Aw, Ma, do you realize you've said the same thing to me
just that way ever since I was in the third grade. It's sweet.
It's not sweet, it's pathetic.
52 years and you've never stopped off anywhere. Get a life!
So did you teach anybody anything today?
Well, I tried but it seems none of the kids
are interested in learning how to diagram sentences.
I really don't get it. Am I the only one who thinks diagramming sentences is fun?
You talk like this on dates, don't you?
Dorothy, you're a substitute.
Your job isn't actually to teach.
Then what is it?
To keep the kids from burning the school down
before the other teacher gets back.
No, normally, you'd be right.
But this class knows that I'm filling in for the whole semester.
I must say it's really nice having the same class every day
and watching them grow and learn.
And of course, they're not trying any of that usual substitute shenanigans.
Is that "kick me hard" sign a fashion statement?
Another one?
Oh, no, this isn't what you think.
No, this isn't because I'm a substitute.
This is because I am flunking the star of the football team,
and he's not gonna be able to play on Saturday.
Oh, what a relief. I thought you were the brunt of a joke.
Turns out they really hate you.
Dorothy, why don't you pass the kid so he can play?
I doubt if The Canterbury Tales is gonna come up in a huddle.
I agree, Dorothy. Saturday's game is a big one.
And speaking as a former cheerleader and ex-bad girl in a health film,
I can tell you the importance of school-sanctioned extracurricular activities.
Now, look, I want you both to know that I don't enjoy failing anybody.
Especially this kid. But he's lazy.
In his book report on A Tale of TwoCities, he said he liked them both,
but he really prefers Minneapolis, 'cause that's where Prince is from.
Hi, Rose. Oh, hi, honey.
Rose? Honey?
Is something the matter?
I just got back from having my teeth worked on.
Oh, what was it, a wisdom tooth?
(all laughing)
My dentist touched me. I think he felt my breast.
Oh, Rose, that's terrible. What happened?
Well, when the nitrous oxide wore off, and my head began to clear,
Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat,
but I think he was up to more than that.
Well, why, Rose? I mean, what gave you that idea?
I don't think "wowee-wow-wow-wow" is a medical term.
How could he do a thing like that?
Believe me, just because men in the medical profession wear white,
does not mean that they're angels.
He did something horrible and unethical, and he has to answer for it.
We are gonna find out who the proper authorities are,
and you're gonna lodge a formal complaint.
I wish men would have breasts just for one day.
Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait.
I mean, just because I'm built like this,
you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb.
Rose, you're too hard on yourself.
I know people who think you're dumb over the phone.
(doorbell rings)
Doorbell!
(doorbell rings)
Doorbell!
Ma, what is the matter with you? Can't you answer the door?
My butt's asleep, and you know, I'm kinda gettin' into it.
Hi, Zbornak. We need to talk. Yeah, come in, Coach.
Ma, this is Nick Odlivak, the football coach.
I never thought I'd say this, Dorothy, but I think you can do better.
Coach, let me save you a speech.
Kevin deserves an F, and that's what he's getting.
In all the years I've been at St. Sebastian
Kevin Kelly's the best athlete I've ever coached.
For the very first time, we got a genuine shot at taking state.
With Kevin playing, we can win that game in our sleep.
My butt's asleep.
We don't get much company.
Look, that's my decision.
Goodbye, Coach. All right, all right, all right.
I'll tell you what. I'll sweeten the pot.
You let Kevin play this weekend,
and I'll take you out Saturday night.
You haven't read The Art of theDeal, have you, Coach?
Do I smell aftershave?
The coach was here, trying to get me to compromise my principles.
I don't see what the big deal is about passing this boy.
Why, in my neck of the woods,
they practically gave grades away.
Blanche, in your neck of the woods, men named Bubba get into law school.
Look, Blanche, it's time that somebody took a stand.
I mean, it's time that somebody made a difference in Kevin's life.
Oh, Rose. Honey, did you make the call?
Blanche, I appreciate you giving me the dental examiner's number,
but when I thought about actually filing a report...
Rose, people like your dentist count on their victims to back down.
Honey, you have to have courage.
Rose, this is not unusual. In most cases when a person is molested,
it's by a friend or a relative. Someone they know.
But there are other considerations. What if I were wrong?
The last time I had courage, I confronted Lukan Ulfnooner,
St. Olaf's moodiest plastic surgeon.
Thank you very much, Rose. That was a great story.
Nice try, Dorothy.
Anyway, Doctor Ulfnooner did some work on my mom.
And do you know who she came out looking like? Raymond Massey.
Rose, that's terrible.
That's what I thought when I accused him of malpractice and ruined his business.
Unfortunately, little did I know...
Know what, Rose?
That was the look she was going for.
Rose, just because you had one bad experience
doesn't mean you shouldn't confront Dr. Norgan.
Now, you were taken advantage of.
Blanche, I was groggy.
And I'm not 100% sure he did it.
And as far as being taken advantage of, look who's talking.
I beg your pardon. Why, when I submit to a man's advances,
it is with my consent.
A woman has the option to say no. Honey, you weren't given that option.
You were given nitrous oxide!
By the way, Blanche, when did you ever say no?
Did I say there was going to be a question and answer period after I spoke?
Oh, Sophia. Thank you, honey. How perfectly lovely.
Well, I was boiling water anyway to shrink the cyst on my backside.
I figured, "What the hell? I'll throw in a tea bag and make myself a hero."
(doorbell rings)
Ah, Father O'Mara, this is a surprise.
Hello, Dorothy. May I come in?
Well, of course you may. Please, come in.
Ma, Blanche, this is Father O'Mara, St. Sebastian's Dean of Boys.
Father, this is my mother, Sophia Petrillo, my roommate, Blanche Devereaux.
Hello. Blanche Devereaux? I've heard quite a bit about you.
All good, I hope.
I'm sorry, I can't reveal things learned in confession.
But it's nice to match the name up with a face.
Father, won't you sit down? And would you like something to drink?
Tea would be lovely, if it's no trouble.
No, not at all.
I already had some boiling water on account of this cyst on my bottom.
Ma!
Dorothy, as you're already eminently aware,
St. Sebastian's has a very big football game on Saturday.
Father, I would think that you, of all people, would have higher ideals.
The highest. What I'm trying to say to you, Dorothy,
is I truly believe that He would want Kevin to play Saturday.
Really?
I had no idea that He...
took such an interest in high school football.
Oh, yes. He likes all sports. Even gymnastics.
And I'm told you're quite the gymnast.
Oops.
Father, I could really use the support of the administration on this.
I'm thinking of the school as a whole, Dorothy.
I'm thinking of the community.
I'm thinking about Kevin.
Well, if there's nothing I can say to change your mind...
But I feel I should inform you
that we have an active and vocal alumni
and I can't be responsible for their actions.
Is that a threat?
More like a concern.
I appreciate your concern, Father, but I'm sticking to my decision.
Ma, what is it now?
You threw a priest out of the house. You disgust me.
I'm gonna go sit in my tea.
Ma, what are you doing?
I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door.
Ma, you have relatives who threw priests out of windows.
That was business.
Dorothy, somebody left this package for you outside on the front porch.
Oh? What is it?
A fish wrapped in newspaper.
Oh, my God! Dorothy, you know what this means?
White wine with dinner?
Do I look like I'm laughing? Here, read this note.
"If Kevin Kelly doesn't play in Saturday's game,
Dorothy Z. Sleeps with the fishes."
Dorothy, please, give the kid a "D."
Oh, come on, Ma, it's just a prank.
Dorothy, I don't think you realize the significance of football in the South.
I've had men break dates with me to go to football games.
Oh, come on. Nobody's going to kill me over a high school football game.
They killed this fish. Dorothy, please. I'm scared.
All right. All right, Ma. Nothing to be scared about.
I'll change Kevin's grade. I mean, this isn't worth it.
I can't put my family through this.
I thought I could make a difference.
I can't. They win.
Thank you, Dorothy. That makes me feel better.
That's good, Ma.
Dorothy, can we have a big-screen TV?
No.
Dorothy, please. I'm scared.
What's going on? Oh, Blanche is telling me about Freud.
Why you asking her? I'm the one who slept with him.
Sophia, this is serious, honey.
According to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgan,
she could take her hostilities out on us.
Tunnels. He loved to drive through tunnels.
Cheesecake. Good idea. Now we can be old and fat.
Let me handle this.
Rose, you obviously had a very traumatic childhood.
I need to hear your whole life.
I want you to start at the beginning and tell me your first memory.
Ma, I'm sorry. I didn't want your last days to be like this.
Close your eyes and think back. What do you see?
A cow.
A chicken, a goat, a lamb, a rooster... no, two roosters.
A pig. There's a man with a gun.
He lifts the gun up into the air. He shoots it and they're off.
The pig takes the lead, the chicken is in second place,
the roosters are neck and neck, right on the tail of the chicken.
They're going down the back stretch... Rose, Rose, Rose.
Before the menagerie rounds the clubhouse turn,
you have to make the decision to confront Dr. Norgan.
You can't keep something like this bottled up inside.
You're not alone. I have trouble confronting people.
Yeah, right, Ma. Like just the other day when you made the butcher cry.
The man wouldn't trim the fat. What choice did I have?
When somebody does something wrong and it violates you, you should tell them about it.
She's right. It's not easy living with yourself
when you haven't stood up for what you believe in.
I know. I backed down myself today.
I guess I have to go and talk to him. You'll feel better.
I'll go. Thank you, Blanche. All of you.
Oh, Blanche, you did a pretty good job focusing this for Rose. And for me.
I have to admit, you would have made a very good psychologist.
Great idea, Pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch
and a license to charge by the hour.
(doorbell rings)
Doorbell.
Morning, Ms. Zbornak. Can we come in?
Well, I don't know, Kevin. Can you?
Uh, may we come in? Yes, of course.
Please come right in.
I don't know what just happened here, but it didn't sound like it deserved an F.
It's because Kevin is not an F student.
Look, it's not that I'm lazy, Ms. Zbornak. I'm just really busy with ball.
I wanted to read The Tale of Two Cities, but I didn't have the time.
That was my fault, Kevin - for interrupting the high school experience with a book.
Hey, you didn't know.
Kevin, what're you gonna do when you're out in the world
competing with young men who have applied themselves?
Like Ralph Zaldin.
You know, the boy whose underpants you turned into a hat yesterday after school?
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Ms. Zbornak, but Ralph Zaldin's a geek.
Oh, a student pays attention, works hard, gets good grades.
Does that make him a geek?
No, that makes him a dork.
A geek is more like, you know, somebody with no friends,
stays home every Saturday night, nose always buried in a book.
One word out of you and I cut off your supply of Metamucil.
Look, Kevin, the reason you're in this trouble
is because you have not been working up to your ability.
I'll tell you what: if you can spare me two evenings a week,
I'll give you an incomplete in English and tutor you privately
until you can pass the whole course.
That way you'll be eligible to play tomorrow.
Fine. Fine. Well, as soon as football season's over.
Young man, she is doing you a favor. She's taking time from her busy schedule...
They don't know you have no life.
Kevin, no dice. You take it or leave it. These are my terms.
Look, Coach, you told me if I was nice to her, she'd roll over.
I'm outta here.
If you wanna win tomorrow, it's up to you. Kevin!
Life gets tougher outside of the Driver's Ed. car, doesn't it, Coach?
Zbornak, I'll do whatever I have to do to make sure that Kevin plays in that game.
If you don't want to make it easy on us, fine.
But you're not gonna stop us. I guarantee you, that boy will be playing.
Well, at least I stood up for my principles.
This is the proudest I've been of you in my whole life.
Thanks, Ma. Can you believe it?
My whole life and this is the proudest I've ever been.
I'm depressed. I need a cookie.
Hello, Rose. Hello.
Well, let's get to work. Hop in the chair.
Look, Dr. Norgan... Hey, what's this "Dr. Norgan"? What happened to "Lou"?
All right. Lou... There's something I have to talk to you about.
Great. We'll talk while I work. Come on, sit.
I, uh...
Here we go. I'll do that.
Now, Rose, what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?
Well, I...
(muffled indistinct)
Now, Rose, don't be ridiculous.
You can feel free to discuss any subject with me.
(muffled)
Certainly I remember our last appointment.
Bill's already in the mail.
(muffled)
No, there was nothing out of the ordinary about the procedure.
I put in a temp, and now you are ready for a crown.
I'm not talking about the procedure.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
You touched me. You fondled me. Didn't you?
Rose, this happens to dentists all the time.
A side effect of the anesthesia can be hallucinations, fantasy.
It's like a dream.
I probably brushed up against you and in your woozy state...
I am so sorry.
It's all right, Rose.
Well, listen, what do you say we take a look at that crown.
Oh, you must hate me.
Rose, I don't hate you. You're a friend.
A nice person. I look forward to our times together.
(mumbles)
You truly are a considerate, compassionate, understanding woman.
Lovely woman. Delicate. Innocent. Enchanting.
Wowee-wow-wow-wow.
Oh!
Stand back. I'm not afraid to use this.
Rose, what are you doing?
Oh, darn you! I believed you.
I even apologized to you.
Rose, I forgot myself. It will never happen again.
You're damn right it won't happen again. Not to me or to anybody else.
I'm reporting you to the State Dental Board.
Rose! One more thing before I go.
What? Dance.
Come in.
Oh, no. You're not a substitute nurse too, are you?
I'm sorry about your knee.
You know, you wouldn't have been blindsided if you'd stayed in the pocket.
You know football? I know everything.
Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast.
Uh, yeah. Some of the guys from the team. Uh, are you signing it?
Correcting it.
There is no K in victory.
Oh, yeah, and we'll just change this to:
"Ms. Zbornak eats shiitake mushrooms."
Listen, if you're feeling guilty about not influencing my life, don't.
People have been trying to get me to be serious for years.
We made a deal. You promised me that I could tutor you
once football season was over, and it looks like it is.
Yeah, but this isn't exactly fair. I can't move.
I know. I know. It'll be like teaching fish in a barrel.
Shall I begin? Do I have a choice?
Well, you could push the call button,
but I'll be done with the book by the time the nurse gets here.
So, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Good stuff, huh?
"It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.
"It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity.
It was the season of Light..."